F.O.R. - Fear of Racing

‍The Thrill of the Hunt

Every time my sister asks if I want to sign up for a race with her, I always hesitate, then ultimately say no. She rolls her eyes, showing her annoyance with what she thinks is my antisocial behavior. But for me, racing is not a social activity. I don't race because I dig the atmosphere and want to hang with other runners. Not that I don't enjoy being around other runners, it's just that when I race, I'm hunting. 

It was Greed that Killed the Beast

What my sister has mistaken for antisocial behavior, which I'll admit, I often exhibit because I train, sleep, eat, and play with my cats and go days without talking to other humans other than virtually, is actually a fear of racing. I train, yes, I train. But every time I get close to anything resembling the fitness I had in college, I get injured! It's a vicious cycle, and I know that I am my own worst enemy. I see a glimmer of fitness, and I get downright greedy. Then I stop taking rest days or at least much easier days, then stop taking down weeks, and then, bam! I'm on the bike and elliptical again, listening to my angry DMX playlist, and thinking, "Just 3 days, 3 days, and then this niggle (because I don't upgrade to the word injury until I've hit rock-bottom) will be completely healed. I'll be doing my long run, fo sho." And then I'm watching a Sandra Bullock movie during a 2 hour bike session, contemplating joining the FBI. Or helping Keanu Reeves keep a bus at over 50 mph. Anything but wallowing in self-pity at my stupidity. Ergo, I self-sabotage so that I don't ever get to the startline of a race. 

Which Came First, Chicken or Egg?

Why is this? I go through this thought process of should I sign up for a race first and then build up fitness, or build up what I deem to be appropriate fitness and then sign up for a race? And then I start thinking about the whole which came first, the chicken or the egg. And then I think about how expensive eggs are right now. What will kids do for Easter? And then I get back on track and always revert to the decision of building up fitness before commiting to a race. And then I picture my sister rolling her eyes.

Feel the Fear, Do It Anyway

I asked a college friend, Cameron Sitler, who is now a Head Division 1 Beach Volleyball Coach and Youth Sport Coach Development and Lead Coach. Oh yeah, in his spare time, he is the owner of 2nd Nature Performance, which is a posture test that gives physical and mental data on how to better handle, understand, and perform under stress in sports, business, and relationships. Obviously, he seems like a pretty decent source of knowledge when it comes to my little, well sizeable...ok mammoth, racing problem. How do we as athletes overcome psychological fear when returning to sport post-injury? How do we feel safe in our own bodies again to really push during workouts to achieve our highest level of fitness? 

Competitive Drivers

I asked him these questions for the hypothetical athlete that he coaches, but, duh, it's me. He was a good sport and played along though. "Typically, these athletes are driven by competition or relationship values." We all have motivation for why we act or don't act. This was interesting that not acting, a.k.a. not racing and/or not "turning up" for workouts, was an external driver. I always thought I was pretty intrinsically motivated, seeing as I keep going "back to the lab again" after a lot of failures. But I was curious about the extrinsic factors. Cameron continued, "In terms of athletes driven by competition, their fears stem from fear of failure or not competing at a previous standard. These individuals fear losing turf or what they used to have control over. They struggle to return until they can return as top dog or top number." Yup, I feel seen. My competitive nature is so extreme sometimes that it keeps me from doing the thing that used to bring me so much joy. 

Relational Drivers

Cameron elaborated on the other motivating factor: "For athletes driven by relational drivers, they fear ridicule based on their performance. They fear not performing up to a standard people find acceptable, so they struggle to start back until they feel they have returned back to the image people expect." Oh, man. I didn't know that I cared so much about what other people think. When it comes to running, though, that has been my identity for such a long time, that if I don't perform well, I do fear that people will say things like, "I thought she was such a good runner, what happened?"

Social Media Trolls or Ingrained Survival Mechanism?

And you know what, that is so upsetting. People will always judge. A lot of people engage in social media not for the pure intentions of general interest in someone's journey or motivation to jumpstart their own goal-setting, but to find others that they can compare themselves as being "better" than. It's probably this subconscious assessment that we all do, rating ourselves against others, most likely from some survival response. "I can fight this person, but nope, not that one, so I better run!" (My very elementary explanation of how comparison relates to the "fight or flight" response).

Me vs. Me 

I really want to be my best running self before I toe the line again. But left to my own devices, I'm not sure I can get there in one piece. Having a coach is really the only way for people with personalities like mine to overcome these mental barriers. I am a coach, yes, but it is incredibly hard to successfully coach yourself. I can identify destructive behaviors in the athletes I coach instantly, but I have trouble doing this for myself.

A.I. Says I'm Broken

If any of this resonates with you, save yourself another year of disappointment, and think about getting a running coach. Running apps can only take you so far. Artificial Intelligence still goofs up now and then, so relying on it for something as important as your fitness probably isn't wise. Check out Maximum Mileage Coaching to see if a live human who knows the struggles of being tired, having limited time, but having aspirations to actually go hunting again can help you get out of the vicious cycle of not being able to "show up" on race day.  

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